Without A Paddle, Even A Life-Jacket

Do I look like a man with a plan? I’m a dog chasing car. I don’t know what to do even when I get one. I’m just do…things

 

After finished writing my previous blog, that car theory thing, I just realized that I claimed that men always have plans. But is it really true? I mean, we all know that the possibilities for “shit happens” is always, well, happens (they say that it happens for a reason) that makes all our plans is crumbling down like a domino card. Some of us even felt like being betrayed by their own faith that they decided just to “let it slide” and stop making plans anymore.

 

So, I decided to think back and evaluate is it true that we, especially men, always have plans? The more I think about it, the more I found the only thing that I didn’t wanna found, doubt. Yep, I have doubts in everything in life, including God, in God we doubt, a fact or a reminder that we all have brain to think before we accept everything as it is. But divine intervention is something so rare and even considered as a fabricated lie that was instrumented by the “authority” to makes us feel better about our self.

 

No wonder most of us just fed up and jaded. And we do most people do when their found doubt, we ask our self, our heart or sub-conscious to be exact. We try to listen to the little voice inside, but unfortunately even though mind (heart, etc whatsoever that we asked for answers) is an amazing thing and we only use 10% of our brain capacity (if it’s brain that what we used for finding answers), the answers sometimes (most time) is the opposite of our expectation (betrayed by our own mind, or something…. How pathetic is that). Just like Eddie Vedder said in Pearl Jam’s song “State of Love and Trust”,”…and I listen to the voice inside my head…Nothing! I do this one myself!”. Yep, we just do things…sometimes.

 

What a fool! / I don’t know bout tomorrow, what it’s like to be…yeah / I was sure, couldn’t let myself to go / even though I feel…the end…

“Moon on the Water”-Beat Crusader / The Dying Breed ft Tanaka Yukio– OST. Beck the Mongolian Chop Squad

 

I put myself as a guinea pig before I try my stupid theory on others. Honestly, I don’t have plans for my life, at least in long term, in short term I have petty goals such as buy PS3, buy figures, etc but long term? OK, I picture myself married, probably at the age 30, when my salary at least 6 million Rupiah, two kids, a nice girl-next-door type of wife, a house in suburb and one city car. WAIT! That’s like, mediocre! $HIT! Do I really need to be that lame, that safe-play middle-class? Hell, probably I’m gonna live an ordinary life, dream an ordinary dream, died an ordinary death, simple plain me, SIGH! Well, lesson learned, I’m gonna be a risk-taker from now! I only live once, how f*#ked up my life can be right? For better or worse won’t matter as long as it some step, and I didn’t give a damn about whether it’s a step forward or backward.

 

dDon't let the outer misled U. She has issue bout relationship

OK, try to apply it to other people. I’ve got a colleague at work, a woman quite a looker, which accidentally has a love relationship with a man of different religion. This is classic cuz this the most common situation where we, man or woman doesn’t matter what gender, we strip, we neglect, our brain, our consciousness, our logic and makes us surrender gracefully to the arrow of cupid that thrust, stab, scorch, mutilate, our heart and makes us embrace the so-called love (OK, stop watching horror movies, it f#*ked up my brain).

 

Of course if U live in Indonesia, this is a waaaay major problem cuz my beloved country didn’t acknowledged cross-faith marriage (Most of our people married abroad, like in Australia or Thailand and then back to live in Indonesia). Not everyone is rich enough to do this, even to do it is consider a disgrace to one of the family sides (be it the men or the women). In my country, despite our believes that Indonesian is a peace, tolerant and friendly people, actually there’s a war for majority over faith, U ask me how I know this? Cuz my parent are cross-faith marriage. But we play by the rule, my mom, a follower of Christianity, left her faith and took Islam temporarily and then back to Christian after her marriage with my father is done. Don’t ask me how the family and neighbors gossiping about this, it’s a WAR. And as for me, well I’m child of both world but belong to none (though my ID tells me I’m a Moslem, nut I’m far from being a good one, but who has anyway?).

 

Again, I try to apply this to my friend that has a relationship with a guy with different faith and with me also. Just like my parent, I have a tendency to fall for girl with different faith (it’s in the family or runs in my gene or something). We know that we will fall into the abyss and long hard road to Hell, and statistic speaking (through my experience and most of tale of the cross-faith couple in Indonesia), it will most likely ends up in tears and catastrophe. But just like I mention earlier, we strip, neglect, etc our brain, our consciousness, our logic and wavin’ white flag for love. Maybe we think that it’s worth dying for, worth fighting for, that the sweet victory will erase all the pain and hell we’ve been through. Well, it’s a hit or miss situation depends on the result of the relationship.

 

I wonder why we, as the most perfect being according to bible, Koran or any other literature source U read and believe, decided to walk the road to perdition. Maybe cuz we live in a world full of uncertainty, where every step could be our last or sumthin’? People tend to stay away from what they didn’t know, but sometimes cuz we don’t know that we try? The urge for discovery and victory, the possibilities of “what if”, the great unknown drives us to that point? Maybe there’s a light in the end of the tunnel? If we don’t know about the future, why we must be scared of it? Why scared for something that we don’t know?

 

All the thoughts make me concluded that we should just do things, even without plan whatsoever. Cuz we never know which door or option will lead us to a better or worse place. Maybe it’s not insane to just live and do things. If l analogize life as a river (since it is a one way street to death), than what the worst could happen? We fall to the river and die, so? We manage to reach the goal soaking wet and exhausted so? We arrive safely and have a good time, so? We ride the river without any insurance, life jacket or even a paddle to stir the boat and wreck, so? The difference is paper thin, even sometimes makes no difference at all, and the judge whether we live our life wrong or right is others and probably God, cuz the measure of a man is for others, and God to judge, not us, not our self. I think I’ll try to do things to change my life, even without plan, without a paddle or even a life jacket, what different could it make? How screwed up it can be? Who knew?

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