Recently, I discovered an article about people who make a living by selling their services to recite prayer in the public graveyard / cemetery, especially for Moslem in The Jakarta Post site. Quite intriguing cuz I always wondering is it true that as a Moslem we have to chant the prayers in Arabic language (most people said it’s Qur’an language, not Arab but still…).
For me, praying is a very intimate & private part of my life. I know I’m not the a “good” person in my religion definition (sometimes I skip my 5 times prayer a day, seldom read Qur’an & other Islamic way) but I believe that when I pray, I speak with God, thus I believe that in order that I could “communicate” with God, I have to understand what I’m saying. What was I supposed to tell the big man about what I felt, what I wish or hope if I can’t even communicate with the big man properly.
Come to think of it, sometimes I wonder why most people that I knew & supposed to have better understanding about Islam than me (who is graduated from Islamic school or have better knowledge in Islam better than me due to their association with religious party or club) are actually more… I don’t know, wilder or more brash or more non-Islamic than me or even worse, they think they are righteous thus have the rights to judge people to the extent of using excessive force (violent way, like Front Pembela Islam or Islamic Defender Front) to push what they thought are right. I don’t understand it, but I think people like them are the one who made me embarrassed to be Moslem, to be Islam. I think some of it lies to the fact that we don’t understand what are we learn and pray, due to the Arabic language that most of us don’t understand.
Honestly, it’s not like I against the idea of using Arab language, believe it or not, there are some prayers that I should be in Arabic / Qur’an language for the reason I don’t know (the essence of purity?), but I think the fact that in Indonesia most people remember the Arabic verse, but without understand the language is a very dangerous situation, besides the fact it’s like most of us babbling or chanting some magic word of the lost language civilization ^_^, cuz it’s easy to abused or misinterpret for some purpose (like terrorism).
Hell, I once went to Mecca, I sat and prays before Ka’bah and I don’t feel a damn (sorry) thing! And I thought to myself, there’s gotta be something wrong here. Is it just me & how I felt that the light betray me? (OK, way exaggerated) Or is it cuz like I said earlier, I don’t communicate well with the big man? That’s why I wrote this, I don’t feel any connection or something I can relate to, bottom-line, I’m not communicating with the big man.
I even think that I am an agnostic, not an atheist, but an agnostic. My friend said that I believe in higher being but I digress, I despise the way most religion act or to be blunt, I don’t believe the concept of religion just like Nietzche said in “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” where he aid that God is dead due to our ways, our own benefit, our own lifestyle, God is dead, we crucified him. Yes I don’t disappointed with the big man, I disappointed with the man who claims to be his representative, his evangelist, I disappointed by the institution, the people who claim themselves as the righteous, to the point that yes, I was unintentionally disappointed by the big man.
In my previous blog, I once write how I felt that somehow I was communicate with the big man, but it was once when I was lack of sleep, stressed, hang-over and probably that was just figment of my imagination. But I don’t know if I ever really talk to the big man, do some communication (instead of two way monologue), but that was one of the pin point of my life on how I should communicate with the big man.
Another turning point is when I was run out of cell phone battery, which forced me not to listen to music or on-line, thus somehow I learn to “slow down” (which is kinda hard if U live such hectic life like this modern age) & I heard what I called “sounds of the universe” or something like that. I listening to “music” or “verse of the universe”, beat of my heart, honking, cars, shout, yell & other crazy stuff. I also learn to see the beauty of things, like kindness of humanity such as how we smile to stranger, give our seat to other, helping people open the door. Suddenly life ain’t that bad & my life worth living for ^_^.
Suddenly I feel like God was talking to me in his own way & I could communicate with him. Maybe not in Arabic language or what, but I think I could communicate with him better cuz I felt that the big guy is everywhere, U don’t need special occasion like when Sholat (praying) or have to pray in mosque (I could communicate anywhere). Well, I still using Arabic for some prayers such as Alfaatihah or sort but after that I use the language I understand, my native language. Then again, the big guy surely understands whatever language we using right? One thing I know, the big guy works in mysterious way that sometimes we don’t understand or could comprehend. Everything happens for a reason, such as blessing in disguise, etc.
Guess I have to respect everyone & their own special way to communicate with God he he, maybe I’m still agnostic a little. Then again, who am I to judge someone is wrong or right? Only God can judge it and every man for himself right?
After that somehow life is not as hard as it used to and my hopes & dreams is achievable (I don’t know if I just lowering my standard or what ^_^). Now, I even determine to improve myself and my future in this life that somehow worth fighting & living for he he. Maybe I could add the list of the place I should visit before I died. I should pilgrimage to Mecca as Hajj, Tokyo Game Show and San Diego Comic Con ha ha ha. Yes, I can communicate with the big man & he is there and everywhere ha ha ha.