Things I Learn From Watching Too Much Porn

Fasting month is over, let’s unleash the demon within! And since I write what I learn something from watching scary movie, I guess why not writes about what I learn from watching something else, like too much porn & if U asks why? The answer is why not ha ha. I probably go to hell for this but then again, there’s a possibility that hell actually a cool place but wrongly accused & badly advertised by heaven cuz play-list in heaven is lame ambience or world music such as Enya, gospel, or qosidah while hell filled with metal & all those awesome people such as Kurt Cobain or Marylin Monroe ha ha.

So, I know I’m not the world’s finest porn master or the guy who watch almost every porn there is (I admit I try to watch any kind of porn, Europe, Asia, Indian, Japanese, Taiwanese, Korea, etc), or try soft porn such as semi to hardcore porn, but never snuff movie (it’ too grotesque for my taste he he). But honestly, one can only watch some porn before he/she turns into a couple of category such as sex-maniac, psycho, sex-predator, etc. Thus only watch a couple & deemed myself “enough” is good enough to learn something from porn.

Here are couples of things U can learn from porn :

1. Better safe than sorry

What is the first thing that crossed our mind when the term “safe sex” occurred? It’s not that having intercourse in a room with good acoustic so people won’t hear the noises U make or locked the key so no one will interrupting the action scene, what it means that using a condom. People always complaints that having intercourse using condom is less awesome than doing it without condom. I can’t say for sure since I never have one (I’m a virgin & I’m proud of it) but protection was built for a reason such as to prevent unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

If porn star using it, U should. It’s like if Superman use it, U use it to ha ha.

2. Style over substance

Porn is a unique genre. Here U don’t give a damn if the acting is awful, if the casting is poor, if the plot is wacky, the dialogue is cliché & cheesy, if the cinematography is better be done by film class student but somehow done by bunch of stupid monkey. U doesn’t give a damn about that (unless it’s Hentai A.K.A. Japanese porn with anime as a media where story does matter). In porn, a thicken plot is not important compared to the “action” scene he he.

Like it or not, this is where magic happens & everyone had a shot to create this kind of movie, especially since nowadays cell-phone is equipped with a camera & video recorder. There’s no norm or standard of what is good & what is bad. It depends on the viewer & as long as there is an “action” scene, it’s called porn. Period.

3. “Action” speaks louder than word

Just like the first point, we don’t care even if the movie have cliché, ridiculous dialogue or plot, all we need is the “action”, the full frontal no hold barred action ^_^. That’s why the web is full with 3gp download from some parts of the whole porn movie (especially the “action” part). Ask any guy about some porn movie & what they say is who banging who on where with how many style or something like that he he. True what they said, action speaks louder than word.

4.  Don’t be discouraged if U works as a petty employee

I don’t know either the writer of porn movie is once a petty employee or even low class labor such as office boy, delivery guy, handy man, or any other jobs that once considered low class, but in porn movie this low class worker is the luckiest people on the universe. They got to bang most of the sexy lady in the movie for any ridiculous reason (such as the lady is horny, want to make her boyfriend/husband jealous, or they just the right guy in the right time at right place for the wrong reason to get BANGED ^_^). Moral of the story, porn encourage U to not whining if U are just low class worker he he.

5. All of us is a bunch of sex-crazed-addict-maniac

If there’s lie porn ever tell, the first or biggest one is that we all are bunch of sex-crazed-addict-maniac, the other lies just don’t give the same impact such as this. In porn U watch that even the most crazy situation or dilemma is ended with having sex. Hell, in porn movie even if at first the opposite sex deny or refuse to have sex, if U “force” it they will enjoy it. This “lie” leads society into raping or sex abuse spree since porn give subliminal effect that everyone won’t mind to be sexually abused since we all are sex-crazed-maniac.

6. Even fugly (f#*kin ugly) has the chance with the hottie

Ever watch porn & U think that, “Hell, what is wrong with casting department? The main guy is fugly!” but that’s the point, like my theory that the people who wrote porn story is not only low class worker, they also fugly ^_^. Well, to be honest, since most of porn viewer is male (arguably though) so what we focused on is the actress who is freakin’ hot! Usually, since they say God is fair, fugly people has awesome stamina or good in bed (maybe like genetically African is better in athletic than other race, so does fugly people has better skill in bed). I mean, have U watch porn? They are like robot or machine or something. What they did is technically speaking, unbelievably ridiculous, like steroid hormone charged athlete.

At least the moral of the story, even if U fugly, U could still get laid (could be faster if U just “buy your way” to get laid, like with prostitute ^_^). Still I wonder that woman like Tori Black would want to works in porn industry. Must be the paycheck is huge so that beautiful girl want to get laid by any man ha ha.

How come girl like this works in porn?

7. There’s no such thing as platonic relationship, father/mother-child or even cross gender friendship

In Middle East, men & women have always been separated (unless they are muhrim, something like have blood connection or related through marriage) in many ways (such as in works, public transport, even went outside the house) for the reason to avoid unwanted outcome between men & women. Most people will say that they are creating gender barrier or don’t respect emancipation but if U watch porn, U will understand why. In porn, there is no such thing as platonic relationship, father/mother-child, men & women never meant to be together in the same room without any “accident” waiting happen.

Men & women meant to be mate for each other & that’s exactly what happens in porn. Children with parent, brother & sister, in laws, even same sex will bang each other for no reason whatsoever but for the sake of the porn movie to be produced.

8. U can’t run nor hide from pornography, its everywhere

Take a look around, porn is everywhere, either hidden or explicit. Soft porn, hard core or even porn camouflage as art is everywhere. I mean, take a look at music video such as Britney Spear’s “I’m a sex for you” or “Toxic” or Rihanna’s “Umbrella” if that is not arousing, there is something wrong with today’s kids ha ha. To make it worse, in porn there is a genre called parody where porn movie re-enact famous story such as Tarzan X (this one a good one I admit ^_^), Aladdin X, Snow White X (with crazy over the top gang bang of one actually very cute girl with seven dwarves, literally) or even Batman (with many version, my favorite is the one with Tori Black he he). Even internet nowadays used mostly for porn ha ha. U can’t run from it, my best advice is early sexual education before its too late & the next generation will become addicted to porn.

PS : Tori Black is somehow awesome due to the fact that not only she is cat woman on Batman porn parody, she also Wonder Woman in the porn parody he he.

Na na na na na na na…Batman XXX

9. It will mind f*#k U until U become either horny or aroused all the time

There’s a study that said exposed to porn will leave some “scar” in memory. Subliminally we always reminded how awesome sex is that if we saw object of lust for no reason whatsoever we will be aroused, as if every time we saw them we always turned on. U will begin to buy bigger pants in order to avoid awkwardness or any “inconvenience” when our pants is too tight when we are aroused he he.

10. U can’t tell the difference between love & lust

Ever thought of this?

Continuing from last point, can U tell if its love or lust if we saw our object of affection but somehow we always aroused? Let me tell U something that probably never told in school, if U want to find a good boy or girl, find it in the good place such as church, mosque or choose those who doesn’t use less shirt to expose their skin to attract others (we can qualified them as attention whore). I know there’s a book called Why Men Marry Bitches” but seriously, not all man has the resources (READ : MONEY) to treat or tame the bitch he he.

11. No matter how many porn U watch, U still won’t be better in having sex ^_^

True that there’s no such thing as useless lesson. So does in watching porn. U learn some terms like, (Please God don’t let any of colleague read this but some random by passer ^_^) rim job, bukake, blow job, gang bang or orgy, rim job or even some other Job (maybe Steve Jobs XXX parody? Who knew ^_^) or “moves” that U usually never tried to pull in some coitus (hopefully not interuptus ^_^). But one thing we forgot, is that “action” scene in porn is already edited (U ever recall someone have that “action” for more than half an hour? If there is someone, give him my salute he he). Check those weird term if U dare, it would cost U the sanity he he.

Oh, no matter how U applied all the moves in porn, don’t forget that sex is not a two way monologue, it takes two to tango & have fun. Just like point 4 where porn taught us lies about everyone is sex crazed maniac, please realize that not everyone is enjoying hard core masochism. U won’t be a better in bed with watching porn, it takes trial & error (don’t listen to me since I’m still a virgin ha ha).

12. U learn that cross species intercourse won’t resulted in pregnancy

Ah, the dark side of porn, once in a while U stumble in some horror freak show where human & animal having “action” yes, U read them right. Inter-species coitus!!! Please avoid it, it will leaves some eternal wound in the membrane, even once a friend of mine asks whether there will be a resurgence of mutant half fish or any water creature – half man due to the fact that most of us jerking (read : masturbation) in the bathroom where most of the sperm goes to waste in the gutter where water creature dwells (THANKS to Biology that taught us that sperm won’t last long outside of ovum). Yes, this type of porn will taught us that no pregnancy will occurred in it, but that doesn’t mean that we can have intercourse with animal people!!! Homosexual is already sick enough, don’t tainted us anymore with bestiality and other of that stupid stuff.

13. Sex is everything

Just like in dance movie such as Step Up or every other dance movie where the answer to everything & anything is dance, so does

The answer to all

in porn movie. Every problem can be solved through sex. Have problem with your boss? Have sex with his secretary or co-worker in office. Problem with your girl? Bang her. It’s so ostensibly ridiculous or just plain dumb. it’s like sex is the beginning, sex is the end, sex is everything (wait, this is sounds like a plot for porn he he).

Ho ho, I’m gonna drag myself to hell just to write this. Hell, just to watch those porn all over again in the name sake of true journalism, observation or even purely pleasure he he. Actually there is more U can learn from porn but since most of what I left is, well….how to put it, all downhill from sanity, let’s leave it at that OK. Well, don’t take this too seriously, these are just for fun & purely jokes (NOT!!!) ^_^.

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