Who I’ve Been Hates Who I Am? The Feeling Is Mutual!

Teacher : Can one of you tell me what you want to be when you grow up?

One of the student : Me miss. I want to be a doctor so I can help people

Other student : Me Miss. I want to be a lawyer so I could defend those who needed.

Teacher : What about you Adit? What you want to be when you grow up?

Me : I want to be Batman Miss. I want to make a better world for everyone.

Teacher : Batman is not a profession Adit. Try something like pilot or something

Me : OK, I want to be a pilot Miss (secretly still want to be Batman)

I don’t know what’s gotten into me that somehow I dreamt & remembered that very moment in my kindergarten, but I knew somehow my f#*ked up mind try telling me about something. Come to think of it, I realize how strayed I am from what I want to be, though I understand that being Batman is almost impossible (but not impossible, I just don’t try hard enough he he). I realize that who I’ve been hates who I am.

Wow, somehow I remembered that day when I was in kindergarten where my teacher said that I can’t be Batman. I mean, wow, education system taught us what we should be by standard that society decides rather than teach us how to reach our dream. Just like some quotes from John Lennon on the left. Guess teacher doesn’t know that somehow they taught us the reality of life earlier than everyone thought they would, right in the kindergarten. Did they know that they could shatter some kids dream? Just like saying that Santa doesn’t exist or that some kids can’t be a soldier just because their ethnicity (like in the old days in Indonesia where Chinese descendant can’t be soldier, only native Indonesia could, strangely other descendant such as Arab or India could though). Or if U wearing glasses U can’t be pilot? Who decides that anyway!

Remember when we hate our parents because they didn’t understand us & never support our dream? Like they said that the cost to practice soccer, for boys, or ballet, for girls, is too expensive, or that it’s useless to be painter or artist because there is no future or good career for it. What would we, teenage & youngster do? We rebel, we against it as hard as we could even if the revolution died early due to the fact that we still live under the guardian of our parents, financially & everything else. Remember when we made a promise that we won’t be like that? That we would support anything that our kids want?

Fast forward till now, maybe just like teenager that used to swoon by handsome boy band personnel but as time flies, reality bites, shattered dream, shifted priorities, etc suddenly turned established person (even if he is not that good looking) as something far more interesting than some pretty face, so does we also change into something more like our parents. The only certainty is the uncertainty itself and the changes. So in order to survive this crazy God forsaken world, we have to adapt, change in order to survive. We became the things we hate the most (like became clone of our parents ha ha).

Or just like the old analogy, send a monster to kill a monster, thus we became a monster in order to prevail in this world. As we grow older we become more skeptical, more apathy syndrome, or we just stop give any single f*#k to this world. We stop to look for monster under the bad knowing that the monster is within us anyway. We became jaded, bitter, old & we had enough of this world with its reality bites & $hit that happens everywhere.

Looking back, who I am probably also hates who I’ve been, a naive, childish kid

should’ve teach this in school

with dreams so out of reach, to believe that everything is possible if we believe & try hard enough. That spoiled brat that never learn the cold hard way of this God forsaken world. Try to be adult for once & I wanna see how U will be or survives in the future U brat!…Wait, that boy became me ha ha.

So, torn apart between who I am & who I’ve been, I tried to make the most of what I have. First, past is history, future is mystery so let’s just focus on what matters, now, the so called “present” that supposed to be gift but somehow is…well…not exactly a present that we want nor needed but probably what we deserve he he.

As an adult, supposedly though, we learn to adapt or to be exact, compromised with this world. So I guess I have to take the goods & leave the bad from the past and the future (whatever cynic & skeptic that I will be from the present & multiplied it into something really bad in the future). I guess I have to put some optimistic vibe to makes life easier along with pessimistic vibe to anticipating all the $hit that will be happened in the future. Guess my subconscious or the young me tried to telling me that even though I strayed from what I wanna be when I was small, that doesn’t mean that I lost. Like it or not, what I am is the accumulation of everything that happened to me, where I learned something from it, just like quote from Kung Fu Panda, “The past is history, the future is mystery, the present is a gift. That’s why it called present”. Guess I have to make amends with my past in order to move forward to the future.

Just like Michael Jackson said, “I’m starting with the man in
the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change” Let’s give some try to change our self one step at a time. Hoping that someday I’m looking back at my life & I won’t hate myself he he. Well, it’s never too late to start something, even if the results is bad at least the thoughts count (denial oh sweet denial he he). Well, journey of thousands mile begin with a single step, the hardest part is to start it, just go I guess. All system go!

All images are from 9gag.com btw

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