I know, caught up in the middle I cried…Just a little
When I’m thinking of letting go
Flo Rida – I Cried
So, I just realized that as I grow older, the least time I can spent for “me time”, for my hobby or to be blunt, to be myself. I mean, it’s not like I’m pretending to be someone else, but as we become adult, things aren’t as simple as it used to like when we were children that had nothing to worry about. We just…sacrificing something for…something, even if that’s something somehow become nothing. I don’t know how to put it, but we just not as free as we used to be.
I suddenly also realize why my dad “change” from friendly parent into grumpy one. It’s not that like he admit it or not, but I realize that he sacrifice his needs, his hobby for us, his family. I realize that because I also become some sort of provider for my family (paying bills, etc) & I realize that I also have to sacrifice many things (my figure collecting hobby, my traveling hobby, etc) just in order to pay the bills. I mean, I usually curse myself for not having bigger salary, curse to the wind or everything just to relieve some stress I have, can U wonder what my dad been through?
No wonder my dad become grumpy, I become party pooper since all my salary never enough (I even don’t have saving), wonder what years of disappointment will turned me into. About sacrificing something for something that still uncertainty? Well, that part…how do I put it, I mean, imagine we have a child, we “invest” everything we had to that child but what if that child turned out to be a disappointment (at least in our eye)? Adult do that all the time, we invest in something, we switch our dream job to job that we hate for the sake of bigger salary to support our family. It’s sad knowing that sometimes we have to do things that we don’t love for the sake of others..but that what it means to be adult or to be parents maybe, I can’t tell cuz I don’t think I’m mature enough but somehow I can relate to that (quarter life crisis in my almost 30?).
Then again, as a comic addict, I learned that the needs of many outweigh the needs of one (learned from Star trek), especially if it the needs of our own kind (family, etc). As year goes by & we grew older, we learned priority scale, to divide which one is more important than other or even to diminish our needs in order to survive. Sadly, sometimes we learn to let go things that we used to do for fun or leisure, hence my dad the grumpy old man. He used to be fun person that likes to traveling & ask me to do fun stuff but now…well let just say we just survive, life but not alive or enjoying the moment. We become just like a living dead, zombie.
I remember I once have a fight with my friend when I was in high school just because he thinks that his daddy don’t love him. His dad only gives him money (like lots of money, he have all the money I want he he) but never the attention he needs. We have a fight, involving fist fight because I disagree with him & I said that he is ungrateful bastard (I know his dad went to work in 5 AM & home at 9 PM, no wonder his dad is tired). Long story short, after his dad summon me for query about what happen with his son (I punched him in the face he he), the two of them came to conclusion that they need to spent more quality time, maybe on weekend (which my friend, that ungrateful bastard, skips for his hangout routine with friend & lover!!!!). At the very least, they manage to talks things through.
Like it or not, there is price for everything, just like we have to sacrifice something for something. As years goes by, we learned a
lot from all we’ve been through. Sometimes we even become numb or heartless. If we are selfish bastard that doesn’t have someone else as specials, we probably won’t feel the heartache that I mentioned, the pain of letting go something that important to us. As of the moment, I letting go my leisure budget for family & for my girl, which is weird cuz I don’t have enough to save some of my salary, it’s like I gave my blood to some insatiable vampire he he (ironic I know, more like denying he he). One thing I learned that no matter how numb I become, I have to be a role model for my future child, to be the man they need to look up to, or even the person that can cheer or taught them how to become a good person, maybe I can inherit my hobby, my childish moment to my next generation ^_^.
As long as our loved one, our special person is happy, that is what matter most, nothing else matter. Just like that famous quote from Sin City “An old man dies. Young woman lives. Fair trade”, a very powerful scene where Hartigan, the good cop, sacrifice his life in order so Nancy, a girl can live her life without any burden or remorse. Now I understand what my dad been through, no matter who we are, outside we can be anyone we want, we can be lion but deep down, we sacrifice like lamb for a good cause.