Strange but true, I have this dejavu where friends of mine share a story with something in common, love went wrong. I heard the story from girl point of view which is weird since they didn’t see it coming. I heard it only once & I knew that it’s an accident waiting to happen.
So, both story tell that before married, the guys already has issue (ranging from love to abuse physically or mentally to avoiding responsibilities, etc) but the girls just blindly married them. Let me say this as a man, a man won’t change if he himself don’t want to change, no matter how hard the other party try. A friend of mine a junkie once went sober for a girl, but after their relationship has turmoil, he rushes back to being a junkie again in an instant. Other party can trigger something but the effect won’t last if he didn’t want to change.
To be honest, this kind of story is quite common. I don’t know whether girls love to be fooled by guys like that (which is somehow jerks have this ability to swoon or seduce girls to the point they are madly in love or addicted to them) or this is an illusion of grandeur, not the literal meaning of it, but my own comprehend that somehow girls love to have the idea that they can change someone to be a better person (like some sort of dominance over something) or some blind faith that they will prevail & make the relationship works (which I loosely concluded as illusion of grandeur or wishful thinking that they hope something will turn good though all indication shows otherwise).
This make me list why women have illusion of grandeur regarding relationship that have a failure brand all over it. I know the list can be expanded (surely since I will have a new idea to support my thought or discover something to support it), even sometimes guys also became a victim of this poisonous relationship (though somehow society viewed that it’s normal for girls to become gold digger & abuse the guys rather vice versa). So here some list of why someone would hang on into some poisonous relationship, such as :
1. Stockholm Syndrome
What can I say, I used to wonder why someone choose to stay in a relationship despite the fact that they were harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, intimidates, rape or any other kind of aggression done by the other party, at first I thought they enjoyed being tortured (sado masochism maybe?). But now I know why, Stockholm syndrome!
Just like that hostage situation, after spending some times with the aggressor, usually the victim became used to them (along with the aggressor hobby to hurt the victim) even believe the same values as the aggressor, the aggressor act become less or cease to become a threat or even routine.
Unfortunately, jerks have super power to maximize the potential of this even modified it into number 2.
2. The aggressor is a manipulator
Manipulator is a genius that even someone didn’t realize that he/she being manipulated all the time. Here’s a good link to know whether you are victim of manipulator or not. This relationship can be happen if you date a junkie, jerks, playboy or any kind of bad boy that usually aroused girls (girls can pretend to want to have a good boy as boyfriend that they always lust the bad boy, the rebel, asshole that deceive them with the persona of leader, dominant, alpha-male quality).
Once the victim hooked up, the aggressor is control the relationship. They play the guilty party, the attachment, etc. Let’s just say if you can’t break with someone because :
- you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up (like junkie will start to relapse or your partner will commit suicide, cut his/her artery or something stupid like that),
- you do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want (sacrifice your need for him/her like give up of being an artist, study abroad, etc just to be “there” for him/her),
- you think that you can help your partner change, or improve the relationship, if only you changed something about yourself (instead of changing themselves),
- you make excuses to other people for your partner’s selfish behavior (you always defending him/her even if your peers said he/she is not good for you),
- you feel worthless without him/her even if they always abuse you (due to the fact you spending time with them, you usually become so depraved that even dignity & pride is lower than low, less than zero. Easily manipulated that you even believe that you can’t survive without them or nobody will love you like they do, or even worse, you believe that you are broke beyond repair that nobody but them will accept you, for girls this situation happens if he took your virginity)
That’s why sometimes others approval to your choice of boyfriend or girlfriend is important because when we in love we tend to deny to see their flaw, or blinded by the impression or illusion of how perfect they are.
3. Maternal instinct
This is usually applied to girls (though for men we can call this fatherly instinct ^_^) where usually the victim felt some urge to take care of the aggressor or to help them convert into a good person. This urge somehow getting worse due to the blindness of the victim that they are easily abuse by the aggressor (believing that they are helping rather than abused).
Probably the best adage for this is “a face only a mother could love” which shows a little degree of chauvinism like the adage “right or wrong, my country!” this makes the victim will blindly defending the abuser since they somehow felt the responsibility to take care of the aggressor, who in their point of view is incapable to take care of themselves.
4. Don’t want to be the guilty party
Ah, the guilty game, which somehow I mentioned on the 2nd point, is the most annoying thing. Just like our parents play it “I don’t mad at you. I just disappointed at you” those word stab like a knife to the heart & twist it, like a bullet that cut through the core & shatter you inside up. This game is probably the reason why couple with issue doesn’t want to split or ended the poisonous relationship, no one wants to carry the burden of the one who hurts or breaks the heart of the other party.
5. Illusion of grandeur
Just like the title of this blog, illusion of grandeur is the main reason someone keep holding on to their poisonous relationship, even if all the indication lead to doom. Just like the main reason why someone survives even if he is against all odds, it is something called hope. People can survive with minimum wage, they stay alive even when they loose ridiculous amount of blood, etc, they survive because hope. They believe that there will be a better days if they just survive & holding on.
This usually happens to people who believe in fairytale or love happy ending. They have this illusion of grandeur that all those hard time will eventually paid of by a happy ending where you can be with that person you think you love blindly, even when all the evidence & symptom shows the otherwise.
It’s not like its wrong to have a hope or illusion of grandeur, but be realistic & do realize that this is real life. You are as free as others want to be free. There are consequences & price to be paid for every action that you take. If you think that all your hard work is worth it, then do it but don’t do it blindly. Think twice even more since a poisonous relationship not only hurt you & you’re partner but also people who cares about you. If you ask me, how you can tell if a relationship is good or not, ask the people around you. Not everyone will be happy, but if most people agree & happy than it is a good relationship. Like a religion, love is meant to make people happy, not sad or hurt. It is supposed to be an instrument of liberation or something like that (I have no idea what I babbling about ha ha).
Well, I recently watch Blue Valentine, a movie bout troublesome relationship
starring Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams, which tell the same idea like what I wrote. I don’t know if others comprehend this movie the way I do, but if you ask me, the tragedy of this movie is not the fact that the marriage is over (sorry spoiler) but the fact that they met & married in the first place, keep holding on while hurting each other.
Most people love happy ending but in life sometimes shit happens. It’s inevitable but it has a point, as a lesson like everything happen for a reason. Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple maybe sometimes goodbye is the only way, especially from such a poisonous relationship that hurting one of the party or even both. Please do realize that even if sometimes we acknowledge that love is like a magic that turn nothing into something, sometimes real physic applied, you can’t turn shit into a diamond.