I Guess It’s Never Enough

I had a schism with my wife recently. It’s my fault no doubt about it. And I feel really bad about it because it was such an idiot mistakes. Without reveal anything personal all I can say is that I can’t help the urge of lust or booty calls, without any physical contact though, just pure “imagination” if you catch my drift.
What crazy is, I can’t say anything but just to stand there watching her. I feel like I need to be slapped, spit or anything but she just stood there, which is killing me. The silent is such a God awful sound. I don’t know if this is silent therapy or what but whatever it is, its working. I feel like a biggest dork ever. I guess she save all of her anger and disappointed feeling for this weekend to clear this messed up situation.
I guess what I was thinking was there’s nothing wrong with a little imagination, it won’t hurt anyone. But it hurt her, and it hurts me even more. I guess she thinks that I’m not sorry, I’m just sorry I got caught. Guess it’s true that psychic ability is the most hurtful gift, to know what everyone else thinks. Sometimes I feel like if someone knew exactly what I was thinking I would be locked up in asylum but in my defense, we all have that sick dirty crazy thought. Its wrong and I’m really sorry & feel terrible for it, and the fact that it hurt her.
I have such an amazing life, amazing wife, a soon to be born son, a job (which is not what I love but if it’s provide my family I guess it’s good and better than nothing), to sum it all, I live a very decent if its not good life. Now I afraid all of it will shattered just because my stupid mistake
Why would someone that already has something good still try to look for anything less than what he has? Why would someone trade gold with a dirt? I always wondering about that but deep down I knew the answer exactly, it’s because it is never enough. Its human nature to urge for more, maybe addiction is human nature, just like addicted to drugs, sex, etc. That’s why there are rules, to organize us, human. Animal don’t have rules because they live with instinct but human is worse because not only instinct, we also live with lust, greed, etc. We are the most dangerous predator, we are the bringer of end of days, upon our self.
Maybe I take her and our life for granted. She did mad at me and said that my physical deterioration happened because of what I did, though she said it out of spur of rage, somehow deep down inside I accept that fact and consider it as my punishment, maybe my way of repent (if I’m end up dead maybe because what she said but I guess I deserve it).

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There are things I learn from this, first is the cliché we never know what we got till its gone or almost gone in my case (I hope our marriage is OK, even if we end up as dysfunctional family I hope our son won’t notice and live his life to the fullest). Second is, the grass on the other side is always greener, though I should’ve know that this ain’t true but like the old adage said, you always want what’s in the hand that closed even if there’s nothing there, curiosity killed a cat sort of.
Honestly, I don’t know how this will end, maybe next blog I’m gonna write the conclusion…somehow I turned this blog into my personal diary ha ha. I hope this ends well, I hope me & my wife can work it out and she gave me another chance (though it’s a longshot knowing this isn’t the first time it happen). I’d like to pray to God but I guess since I brought this upon myself I should’ve face the consequence, my price to play. Hope she gave me another chance to make this right again.

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